Tag Archives: humor
Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results
Yesterday 6:30PM•SEE MORE:ELECTION 2020
WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94% of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results. “I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an autocratic megalomaniac than wait any longer for the final election outcome,” said Georgia resident Chris Mitchell, who, along with a nearly unanimous majority of Americans, expressed a willingness to be dragged from his house by government agents in the dead of night and disappeared if it would result in a shorter period of uncertainty. “Being forced to do hard labor in a concentration camp? Sign me up if it means I could finally find out who won this damn thing. Feed me propaganda, shoot dissidents in the street, do away with elections altogether, I don’t care! I’ll accept anything at this point. I just want to know.” At press time, the other 6% of respondents confirmed that they were willing to wait another five minutes maximum.
Washington’s Asian ‘murder hornets’ will probably kill us all
I don’t want to alarm anyone but we’re probably all going to die from the Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ near Blaine, Washington. This is the latest news that confirms 2020 is just an all-around awful year.
The bees are normally found in Asian countries, but brought to the United States and Canada late last year. They’ve been hanging around Blaine, the latest reason not to ever stop in that city.
In Japan alone, they’re responsible for 50 deaths a year according to the New York Times. But now that I’ve seen several photos of the hornets, I’m certain they’re responsible for so much more death and destruction. And they’re coming for us.
Asian ‘murder hornets’ explained
In just one paragraph, the New York Times managed to scare its readers into submission.
With queens that can grow to two inches long, Asian giant hornets can use mandibles shaped like spiked shark fins to wipe out a honeybee hive in a matter of hours, decapitating the bees and flying away with the thoraxes to feed their young. For larger targets, the hornet’s potent venom and stinger — long enough to puncture a beekeeping suit — make for an excruciating combination that victims have likened to hot metal driving into their skin.
They can be two inches long and look like villains from The Avengers films. Let that sink in.
They have jaws that can decapitate! We’ve heard sad stories of eagles soaring down and picking up your new puppy. Well, imagine the murder hornets… I can’t even finish the sentence.
And if you think that spare beekeeper suit you keep in the closet will come in handy once murder hornets buzz down from Blaine, obviously it won’t be enough to protect you from the “hot metal driving” into your dumb, terrified face.
The local threat of the ‘murder hornets’
Washington State entomologist Chris Looney has the unenviable job of studying these creatures. Though he’s speculating, he believes the “likely” way the murder hornets came to the United States was via “deliberate transport,” possibly for food.
“In a lot of Asian countries, these big meaty wasps are food,” Looney said in the most unappetizing sentence ever uttered. “And so it’s entirely possible that somebody brought these to try and cultivate a food source in North America.”
The New York Times has a big write-up on how they could decimate the U.S. bee population. I don’t care about that. I care about this excerpt from a CNN piece (via Daily Wire): “The giant hornets are attracted to human sweat, alcohol and sweet flavors and smells. They are especially sensitive to when animals or people run.”
I don’t care about dumb honey bees. I care about myself
The murder hornets are problematic for a number of reasons.
If I spot a two inch murder hornet while on a stroll on a nice warm July afternoon, I’m going to run as far away as I possibly can. It probably spotted me from my light sweat, breath of a Westcott Bay Cider, and one-squirt pump of Malin+Goetz stem eau de parfum in my expertly barbered hair.
And I’ll sweat even more sweet gland uice and the murder hornets murderous friends will come by to attack me, too. I’d be a murder hornet treat!
I’m already deathly afraid of bees that I pretend that I’m allergic so colleagues don’t mock me for my fear. I don’t need to deal with a bee that can literally murder me.
If the murder hornet doesn’t kill me, the wokescolds just might.
I assume after a week’s worth of coverage, the Woke Brigade will be out in full force condemning the name. Asian ‘murder hornet’ or Asian Giant Hornet? Why not Global Citizen Giant Murder Hornet?
The Woke Brigade is compromised of the world’s most insufferable superheroes (heroes only in their own minds) who hold one power: virtue signaling. They will pretend that the bee’s name will lead to Asian Americans being targeted as murderers capable of decapitating us all.
Matt Driscoll will publish a column in the Tacoma News Tribune. He’ll brag about his wokeness for calling it “Scary-Looking Hornet that Could Be from Any Country.” Some KUOW host will eat one of the murder hornets in solidarity.
I’m actually surprised Progressive Twitter didn’t already start their war on the murder hornets yet. And, honestly, I don’t care anymore. I just spent 17 minutes looking at photos of these hornets for this blog and now I’m just even more terrified (and oddly itchy).
Trump’s lump of thinking meat in his head
The Lock Down Monster